Jack Wiley Dithers Reporting On Israeli Relations

(AP) - Jack Wiley Dithers Reporting
“If You Can’t Scoop It, Make It Up.”

My good friend and benefactor rich uncle, Francis Charles Hamilton (Doctor of Pontification) has given me another exclusive groundbreaking news story. It seems Perfesser Hamilton was an invited guest to dinner with the leader of the free world, when that leader entertained President Obama in Israel last week. According to the Perfesser, he and "Bibi" (as he refers to his old friend Benjamin Netanyahu) initially met in the mid-60s when the Prime Minister was a student at Cheltenham (PA) High School, and active in the debate club. Dr. Hamilton was installed at Cheltenham HS as a guest lecturer in the field of aggressive debate techniques by the John Birch Society. He saw a great deal of promise in the young Bibi, and the two have been fast friends ever since.

So, when the leader of the free world was faced with the challenge of entertaining President Obama, he naturally thought to fly in the cultivated and learned Perfesser in for moral support. After returning to the US, Dr. Hamilton granted an exclusive interview audience to yours truly, from which I have reconstructed the following dinner dialogue.

==

BHO: Who's the guy in the powdered wig?

Bibi: What do you care? At least I'm feeding you.

BHO: Hey, I already told you I was sorry about that unfortunate incident in March 2010.

Bibi: Did you? By dictating a return to 1967 borders? Are you kidding me?

BHO: No, the gefilte fish I sent. Didn't you get that?

Bibi: Oh, that. It stank to high Heaven by the time it arrived from Chicago. What the hell were you thinking anyway? You don't think I have good gefilte fish right down the hall here?

BHO: Geez, try to do a guy a favor ... you never answered my question about the freak wearing the powdered wig.

Bibi: Old friend from the states.

[Clink! Clink! Clink!]

FCH: Honored guests, friends of liberty, and you too Mr. President - may I have your attention, please! I would like to offer a toast to the world leader on the front lines defending western civilization and the God-given freedoms of reason and free will handed down to us by the Age of Enlightenment, from the dark ravages of Mohammed's Murder Monkey Cult From Hell. Bibi - may you live long and prosper.

[Hear! Hear!]

BHO: Let's get down to business. Is Mossad behind Stuxnet?

FCH: We thought it was OFA! {Laughter}

Bibi: Sara, this gefilte fish is delicious.

BHO: And the assassinations of the Iranian nuclear scientists?

FCH: Bill Ayers moonlighting! {Laughter}

Bibi: Mmmmm, mmmmm, mmmmm, Barack Hussein Obama - I just can't say enough how good this gefilte fish is.

BHO: I'm serious, you need to make some concessions to the Palestinians.

Bibi: Which ones? Hamas or Fatah?

FCH: He means the ones who fired the Katyusha rockets at you this afternoon! {Laughter}

Bibi: No more concessions until they formally recognize Israel's right to exist. Can you help get some movement on that one?

BHO: Alright this is becoming a problem. I need to go back with something. Otherwise, somebody might start talking about Sequestration again. And, Jesus, Harry Reid just killed the automatic weapons ban the Senate. I can't leave that guy home alone for a minute. Michelle, show the Prime Minister the photographs. The ones from New York in the 80s.

Bibi:Hey, that was a long time ago. And Hamilton said we were collecting military intelligence in that Turkish bath house. {sigh} What do you want?

BHO: Hmmmmm. After this Sequestration cluster f*ck, and the Newtown crisis now wasted ... I'm gonna need some red meat for the Left. Here's the deal, you are going to call the Turkish PM and apologize for the Gaza Flotilla thing ....

FCH: {sigh} Must have been Soros' people.

(AP) - Jack Wiley Dithers Reporting
“If You Can’t Scoop It, Make It Up.”

Update 1:32 pm



You're doin' a helluva job, Barry.

Update 3/31/13

And more proof "apologies" to the lawless only encourages the bastards. I trust the IDF will uphold the rule of law again, but more efficiently and therefore less prone to coerced "apology."

Jack Wiley Dithers Reporting From 2020

(AP) - Jack Wiley Dithers Reporting
“If You Can’t Scoop It, Make It Up.”

*2013 events and dialogue in this font
*2020 events and dialogue in this font
*Dithers' transcription from future LAS' thumb drive in this font

This past weekend I was snooping around visiting the well-appointed manor of Francis Charleston Hamilton, Doctor of Pontification, in my continuous quest to satisfy the revenue problem I posted about on March 10th.

In the course of seeking new revenue in Dr. Hamilton's manor, I happened upon a nondescript door I had never before noticed. This door was built into the stairs leading to the basement. I jimmied the lock turned the doorknob and discovered an impressive and intimidating machine.¹



As I was soaking in the machine's majesty, I was startled by Dr. Hamilton's voice coming from the top of the stairs ("Dithers, is that you?"), which caused me to bump into the machine and spill the bourbon and ginger ale I had prepared from Dr. Hamilton's well stocked bar. The sequence of events that proceeded from there was a hazy, psychedelic, maelstrom of sights, sounds, and smells roughly approximating what happened that time I bit into that mushroom in Boy Scout Survival Training.

(Hamilton)"Dithers! You fool! The machine! Damn it he's melted the space-time continuum modulator! Oh well, I'll just have to improvise."

(LibertyAtStake)"Dithers, what are you doing here? You're supposed to be in rehab ... oh yeah, the machine² ... here, stop twitching so I can get this thumb drive into your pocket." "Doctor, just in time! Would you like to visit yourself in the cryogenic suspension facility? No, too late, running out of time, just help me get Dithers on his feet here."

(Hamilton)"Dithers! You fool! You could have thrown us both into another dimension. Perhaps even one that has no sherry ... the horror. Never mind, just transcribe the crap on that thumb drive future LAS gave you. I'm going upstairs to talk to my broker about cryogenic suspension start ups."

Shortly after the Republican landslide in the midterm elections of 2014, which gave the GOP a veto proof majority in the House and control of the Senate, President Obama announced he was battling a severe case of narcolepsy, and, in the best interests of the nation, would step down from his duties as President.

Some naysayers in the radical right wing extremist blogosphere speculated he staged the condition, because he was no longer interested in the job since his chance to ram through the rest of agenda had passed him by. Since his treatment records have remained sealed, no one really knows for sure.

Historians note the sale of Alaska to China as the cornerstone achievement for Interim President Joseph Biden. The land sale balanced the federal budget for an entire year. Mr. Biden's brief term was also marked by a failed attempt to pass a one child policy through Congress.

Mr. Biden lost a rough and tumble 2016 Democrat primary to Hillary Clinton. Some political observers believe it was a Biden debate gaffe that made the difference - when he referred to Barack Obama as the first black President and Ms. Clinton corrected the record to clarify her husband was. Ms. Clinton easily defeated GOP nominee Jeb Bush, though many Establishment GOP hacks blamed 3rd party candidate Marco Rubio and 4th party candidate Rand Paul for splitting the conservative vote.

After Mr. Obama announced his miraculous recovery from narcolepsy in January 2017, he devoted himself to a campaign of repeal for the 22nd Amendment. After many months of rancorous debate fueled night after night by his lackeys at the alphabet networks, the matter was settled when Organizing For America (OFA) marched large angry mobs on Capitol Hill and 3/4 of all state capitols simultaneously. When the riots were over, it was official - the 22nd Amendment was repealed.

On June 1, 2017, OFA officially launched Mr. Obama's primary challenge against Ms. Clinton.



It was a long and bitter campaign that split the Democrat party between those who believe race trumps gender and those who believe the reverse. ABC ran an investigative series accusing Mr. Obama of misogyny, CBS ran ran an investigative series accusing Ms. Clinton of racism, and NBC declared bankruptcy when both campaigns declined to pay the bribes.

The 2018 mid term elections were suspended when Ms. Clinton declared martial law and dissolved Congress, after the health care insurance bubble burst and China called in all the loans. Ms. Clinton was convinced, however, to hold Presidential elections in 2020 after Valerie Jarrett showed her what was in the plain manila envelope. In June of 2020 the matter of the Democrat Presidential nomination was settled when ex-Interim President Biden announced his endorsement of Ms. Clinton. Barack Hussein Obama would be the Democrat nominee for 2020.

Fox News is preparing to air the No-Holds-Barred Steel Cage MMA match between Mr. Obama and 2020 Republican nominee Mark Levin. Both campaigns have agreed this match will determine the next President. If there is no knock out, the winner will be decided by a real time Fox poll of viewers. The first decision for the winner will be whether or not to lift the state of martial law and allow a new Congress to be elected. Polling shows Americans evenly split on this question.

(AP) - Jack Wiley Dithers Reporting
“If You Can’t Scoop It, Make It Up.”

Footnotes

1. LibertyAtStake first posted about Mr. Hamilton's time machine on March 23, 2012.

2. Knowing Dithers would eventually stumble upon the machine, past LAS had set it to transport Dithers to his apartment in 2020, as a precaution. During the time travel necessary to prepare these machine settings, LAS was very disappointed to learn that future LAS was still living in the same crappy apartment.

Sequestration: The Kinks Have a Song For That, Too

No more buttered scones for Fat Flabby Annie.



Footnote

Low Budget was an obvious choice given the lyrical content. But Skin and Bone overall better captures the mock comic vibe of Sequestration. Plus, I've already used Low Budget as the soundtrack for commentary on Obama's lousy economy.

Jack Wiley Dithers: Sequestration For Dummies

(AP) – Jack Wiley Dithers Reporting 
“If You Can’t Scoop It, Make It Up.” 

Your intrepid reporter is fresh back from rehab tan, rested, and ready.¹ While in rehab I had a mystical experience that taught me I don't have a drinking problem, I have a revenue problem. Upon my escape release I went to the only place in town with locks to which I still possess keys ... the apartment of my old friend LibertyAtStake.

Upon entering stealthily, I could hear the old man snoring in the back bedroom. After awhile I woke him up. It was tense at first - I was forced to explain I had consumed his prize stick of gourmet pepperoni and three bottles of imported German Pilsener. I couldn't help myself but to help myself - rehab provisions royally suck. The nut job even took a photograph for evidence.

Anyway, I proceeded to explain my revenue problem to the only editor in town who still takes my copy. He told me he needed an erudite piece on a current event known as "Sequestration" - which he initially explained as a 2% across the board cut in federal spending. My immediate reaction of course was "who the hell could possibly care?" Would anyone notice if Michael Moore lost 2% of his body weight? If Barack Obama was 48% black, instead of 50% black, would his political narrative be any different?

Upon which LAS pressed his case Sequestration would surely mean the end of days ... or at least great material for his comic tragic political blog dedicated to chronicling Barack Obama's criminally incompetent leadership kabuki dance. He pointed out Barack Obama has directed his administration, top to bottom, to make sure the cuts fall into the most visible accounts in order to stoke the greatest possible passion against cutting federal spending among the clueless masses. He said he needed an educational piece for the clueless masses, full of supporting links to under-reported stories of budgetary skullduggery and poll statistics demonstrating Obama's crooked game is back-firing on him. Then he sighed and lamented he certainly knew from long experience he was asking the wrong man to do the job. But, in deference to our long standing relationship, he asked me if I had any ideas to offer.

Just then a text message arrived from my White House contact expressing congratulations for my escape release from rehab, and offering up an secret audiotape recording of Bod Woodward's recent and highly publicized visit to the Oval Office. My operative referred to it as the 'Thank You Sir May I Have Another' tape. Alert to revenue possibilities as always, I offered the idea to LAS and he rejected it. Something about "we've done that one a gazillion times already" - and then a lot of muttering and stammering about "moving 'forward' you fool", which became 'Vorwarts! Vorwarts!'² in an angry Teutonic sounding tone when he laid eyes on the empty Pilsener bottles.

After the nut job settled down, we negotiated a compromise idea befitting my talents and serving his purposes. When we modified the target audience from 'clueless masses' to 'hapless GOP' everything fell into place.

==

Memo to the Hapless GOP: The Empty Suit Known as Barack Hussein Obama has sustained a self-inflicted wound that puts you back into the game struggle to save the republic from Progressive ruin. Your marching orders for capitalizing on this opportunity are 'No quarter, No compromise.' When Tsung Tzu said that thing about not interfering when your enemy is destroying himself, he was half right. Now is a time to cut through the information fog created by the propaganda organs of Corrupt and Biased Liberal Media with clever information campaigns of your own. I know "clever" doesn't come easily to you guys, so here's a few ideas to get you started.

Counter the administration's decision to close White House tours, designed specifically to disappoint the clueless masses, with a 24x7 presence at the White House gate for a giant sign that says something like "This way to the still open Capitol Hill tour." Or, better yet, "Turkey Farm tour starts here."³

You know those electronic billboards that litter the landscape of federally funded "infrastructure projects"? Make sure there is one in front of every National Park Barry and his Gang of Leftist Kleptocrats chooses to close to rile up the clueless masses. Make sure every one is a constantly running ticker of the most objectively wasteful federal spending he chose to keep safe from "sequester."

Hire private investigators to follow and document the activities of the illegal alien criminals released by Janet Napolitano. You can start with offering the assignment to the many ICE agents who are royally pissed off by having to implement her derelict directives.

Follow the example of Rand Paul for how to generate publicity despite media bias - which is to say, use every parliamentary tool at your disposal to attack, atttack, attack. The Left has been doing it since at least when they invented the verb 'to Bork.' Ignore the example of the RINO Senator delegation that foolishly distracted from Senator Paul's courageous flanking maneuver by accepting the Empty Suit's empty dinner offer. It was a phony gesture motivated by bad (for him) poll trends. Remember the phony Blair House Summit right before Obamacare was shoved down your throats on a partisan vote? It's exactly like that.

No quarter. No compromise.

(AP) – Jack Wiley Dithers Reporting 
“If You Can’t Scoop It, Make It Up.” 

Footnotes

¹ I had the '92 version of the T-shirt once. Nixon was definitely the best available option that year.

² About that new Obama slogan.

³ "Turkey farm" is DC dialect for government departments created to warehouse federal employees who would otherwise be fired, if they could be.

* Jack Wiley Dithers is the alter ego of LibertyAtStake, who is the alter ego of a vaguely accomplished self-employed Northern Virginia based Project Manager who maintains his professional profile at "http://www.linkedin.com/pub/joe-figliola/1/bb6/19a".

Update 3/14/13

Regarding the memo ... Now, this is what I'm talkin' about ... No quarter, No compromise.

Update #2 3/14/13

Paco, of Paco Enterprises, seems to have some useful experience as both ICE agent and private investigator. LAS applauds Paco's efforts to restore law and order to this dark age of sequestration and its roving bands of illegal alien criminals.

Demotivational Sequestration

Footnote

Jack Wiley Dithers is fresh from rehab and has become keenly interested in explaining the nuances and vagaries of Sequestration to the clueless masses.

Update 11:37 pm

Upon the occasion of Dithers' return from rehab ...

The Staff Cartoonist Weighs In On the 'Unprecedented' and 'Historical' Sequestration Debate

Update 8:50 pm

Yep, that's about right.