(AP) - Jack Wiley Dithers Reporting
“If You Can’t Scoop It, Make It Up.”
Byline: What difference does it make?
I have been lately slipping away surreptitiously to a non-descript parking garage in Foggy Bottom. It is there I have been meeting a former high ranking Obama administration official. I have given her the code name ‘Stands By Man’. To ensure the secrecy of her identity, I can neither confirm nor deny whether she plans to run for President in 2016. The insider information she has provided me in these few unnoticed and unheralded meetings is certain to dramatically alter how historians view the first four years of the Obama administration. Following are some of the more interesting revelations.
Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton totally wanted to officially label Boko Harum as a terrorist group, but was overruled in the inner circle by Vice President Joe Biden. ‘Stands By Man’ produced a fistful of memorandums dating back to 2008 transition team deliberations to prove it. My crack team of investigative journalists pawned our carbon dating machine to pay last month’s rent, so I am as yet unable to authenticate the age of these memos.
If the Iranians acquire a nuclear weapon it will totally be current Secretary of State John Kerry’s fault. To support this argument, ‘Stands By Man’ has shared an audio recording from a meeting between former Secretary Clinton and Iranian Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei. Khamenei is clearly heard saying in his native Persian “Iran renounces the production of nuclear weapons as long as we have Madame Secretary’s word she continues to believe us.” The audio recording is loaded onto an official State Department ‘ObamaPhone’ that my investigators have authenticated as a retirement gift given to former Secretary Clinton.
The ‘ObamaPhone’ given to us by ‘Stands By Man’ also records a briefing outgoing Secretary Clinton gave incoming Secretary Kerry on the topic of Russian expansionism. So Crimea and Ukraine are Kerry’s fault, too. My investigators believe figuring out why the Kerry voice sounds vaguely like former President Bill Clinton holds the key to validating the authenticity of this recording.
‘Stands By Man’ has provided what is apparently a screen shot showing a tweet from Secretary Clinton to President Obama dated 9/11/12. The tweet is linked to an instagram selfie showing Secretary Clinton wearing a camouflage Kevlar pantsuit, and the tweet states ‘here with scary AFRICOM dudes ready for Benghazi rescue, need cross border authority’. As is we all now know, sadly, this authority was never granted.
According to ‘Stands By Man’ Secretary Clinton was copied on several official emails in the days following the Benghazi attack, and these emails demonstrate the YouTube video lie was totally made up by White House advisors Ben Rhodes and Tommy ‘Dude’ Vietor. Secretary Clinton had the foresight to secretly make personal copies of these emails and ‘Stands By Man’ informs us the content, when released, will show Secretary Clinton had nothing to do with it. She also showed me some emails from Clinton to both Rhodes and Vietor reminding them the Park Police officially declared Vince Foster’s death a suicide, in case they needed to be reminded.
We have also been given the draft bill Secretary Clinton wrote to request congressional authorization for military intervention in Libya; as well as evidence of the internal debate Secretary Clinton had with Susan Rice, who argued congressional authorization was unnecessary because it is superseded by UN authority under her ‘Responsibility To Protect’ doctrine. As we all know, Secretary Clinton’s carefully calibrated respect for the constitution was overruled by the Obama inner circle.
‘Stands By Man’ has promised more material blowing the lid off history’s understanding of the inner workings of the Obama administration’s first four years. These include shocking revelations Bo the dog is integral to the decision making processes used to select drone attack targetss, proof the State Department delegation borrowed the famous ‘Russian Reset’ button from Joe Biden’s personal collection of drinking game accessories, and many personal accounts attesting to Secretary Clinton’s role in advising President Obama to do the exact opposite of everything that was done under his foreign policy.
“If You Can’t Scoop It, Make It Up.”
(AP) - Jack Wiley Dithers Reporting
Assortment
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