(AP) – Jack Wiley Dithers reporting.
Our cracker-jack investigative journalism team has acquired audio tape from a campaign strategy meeting recently held at the White House. If it were a video tape, or at least a high quality audio tape, we would have sold it to Breitbart. However, the audio recording device was stuffed inside our White House source’s shoe, so this transcript will have to do.
Unidentified Voice: Somebody wake up Harry.
Harry Reid: {snort!} {ack!} THIS WAR IS LOST!
Nancy Pelosi: {sigh} Wrong election, Harry.
Joe Biden: OK, Barack is out on the trail stumping for a candidate, so I’m in charge here.
James Clyburn: [sounding sarcastic] Who’s the lucky bastard? Hope it’s Alvin Greene.
{entire room laughs heartily}
Joe Biden: Gibbsy, you takin’ minutes?
Robert Gibbs: {mutters something under breath}
Nancy Pelosi: You’re lucky to have the job, Baghdad Bob.
Joe Biden: OK, let’s get started.
{Sound of door opening. Sound of ‘Hail to the Chief’ playing from an iPod speaker.}
Joe Biden: What are you doing here?
Barack Obama: Greene couldn’t cover the campaign event, because the Senate didn’t approve his UI check soon enough.
Barack Obama: OK, let’s get started. What are we doing here? Gibbsy, you got the agenda?
Robert Gibbs: {mutters something under breath}
Nancy Pelosi: What did I tell you?
Barack Obama: OK, who do we have on the conference line?
{15 seconds of silence}
Nancy Pelosi: {sigh} Do I have to do everything myself?
Beep! {Dial Tone} Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep!
Machine Voice: Welcome to the White House Live Conferencing System. Press 1 to join a conference, press 2 to manage your personal account, press 3 to replay an old conference recording, press 4 to manage your recording options, press 5 to start a new conference, press 6 for more options.”
Beep!
Machine Voice: Press 1 to enter your White House Live Conferencing System user id.
Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep!
Machine Voice: Enter your White House Live Conferencing System password, followed by the pound sign.”
Barack Obama: Michelle, that’s your cue, heh-heh.
Michelle Obama: {mutters something under breath}
Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep!
Nancy Pelosi: Who do we have on the conference?
George Soros: George.
Andy Stern: Andy here.
James Carville: [sounding agitated] What the hell took you so long! You gotta get somebody on that phone pad, man! You gotta show some leadership!
Bill Ayers: Can we just get started? I have to give a lecture on the history of domestic terrorism soon.
Barack Obama: OK, we got an election coming up and my poll numbers are in the tank …
Nancy Pelosi: [interrupting] Geez, it’s always about you, Barry. You’re not up this cycle, we are.
Harry Reid: Yeah, me too!
George Soros: You people are pathetic. Can I just get a report on what I’m getting for my Astro-Turf money?
David Axelrod: Yes, sir! There’s the Coffee Party …
George Soros: [interrupting] What a joke!
Valerie Jarrett: Well, we also have that “Other 95” thing …
George Soros: [interrupting] DOA! Plouffe, are you on the line?
David Plouffe: Yes, sir!
George Soros: Anything good from the Internet trolls?
David Plouffe: I think we’ve uncovered the identity of that ‘LibertyAtStake’ guy.
Click! Click!Click!Click!Click!
David Plouffe: Ah, here it is. OK, … our man ‘JournoListIsGreat’ has evidence his real name is …
Click!Click!
David Plouffe: Hunter S. Thompson.
George Soros: {sigh} I’m outtahere. Talk to ‘ya next week.
Click.
James Carville: [sounding agitated] You gotta energize the base! Tell the illegal immigrants they won’t be able to get ice cream anymore! Get ‘em out to the polls! Get some Panthers out to those polls! Make sure everybody knows the TEA Party is full of racists! Make sure everybody knows BP is full of British people! Get Michelle out to some NAACP meetings! You gotta show some leadership here!
Andy Stern: I know just what to do. How many buses do you think you’ll need in November? 5, 6 thousand?
Barack Obama: Sounds about right. OK, what’s for lunch?
Michelle Obama: We’re having McDonald’s catered in. The kids wanted Happy Meals.
Jack Wiley Dithers reporting.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
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Excellent and very, very clever. I have a feeling this is closer the the truth than we can prove.
ReplyDeleteThis was great! And Maggie's right, too close to the truth.
ReplyDeleteThis is awful close to reality. Great post. Very funny.
ReplyDeleteHAHA- I liked that- pretty sad though ;-(
ReplyDelete