BREAKING NEWS – PRESIDENT TO HOLD JULY 4th PICNIC FOR HEADS OF STATE

(AP) – Jack Wiley Dithers reporting.

Our cracker-jack investigative journalism team has learned President Obama will be holding a Top Secret Camp David picnic on July 4th, for selected world heads of state. Certified White House Genius Valerie Jarrett told our source this picnic was a continuation of the administration’s new diplomatic outreach to the rest of the world. We have been able to obtain some of the correspondence that has gone into planning the event.

Afghani President Hamad Karzai declined, but said he was keeping his options open for July 2011.

Chinese Premier Hu Jintao accepted the RSVP, but with a note saying he insisted on approving all the purchase orders for event planning.

The leaders of Brazil, Turkey, and Iran all suggested a game of poker – on the condition it would be just them and Mr. Obama at the table. Kim Jong Il, Supreme Leader of North Korea, suggested bobbing for apples carved into the shapes of South Korean naval vessels. The North Korean leader is also scheduled to take on Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad in a Festivus Feats of Strength match, to determine who gets to run the fireworks display at the end of the evening.

The Indian Prime Minister accepted on the condition he could assign his own security detail. The Mexican President’s invitation was the only one that included the words “go ahead and bring along as many friends and family as you can.”

Russian President Dimitry Medvedev initially said he needed to check with Vladimir Putin for permission. Mr. Medvedev then said he would participate on the condition of removing the Ant-Ballistic Missile (ABM) systems that protect Camp David and the rest of DC. The reply from Mr. Obama was “don’t be silly, no such thing exists. Come on over, dude.” Our sources at the Pentagon are nervous about the possibility of Mr. Obama actually asking whether such a thing exists. It might present an ethical dilemma.

Vice President Biden is scheduled to provide entertainment of an unspecified nature. Former Vice President Al Gore is scheduled to give a PowerPoint presentation on something kind of scientific-ish. Weather permitting.

The Prime Ministers of Israel, Great Britain, and Germany were sent invitations to a separate July 5th gathering; at which the plans included serving leftovers, listening to taped recordings of Mr. Obama’s old speeches, stupid pet tricks with Bo the dog, and VP Biden providing entertainment of an unspecified nature. July 5th was also the rain date for Mr. Gore’s PowerPoint presentation. However, none of these leaders accepted, so the July 5th event has been scrubbed.

Jack Wiley Dithers reporting.