PRESIDENT APPOINTS CLEANUP TASK FORCE CHIEF

(AP) – Jack Wiley Dithers reporting.


Today, President Obama announced in the Rose Garden that Czar of Homeland Justice Richard B. Cheney will lead a newly formed task force to clean up the mess in the Gulf.

Holding the door for Mr. Cheney as they entered the Rose Garden, the President’s attire and coif appeared a bit mussed. On his way to the podium, Mr. Obama looked at ABC News correspondent Jake Tapper and said “No questions today, Helen.”

Mr. Obama was uncharacteristically brief and contrite in his remarks while introducing Mr. Cheney. Mr. Obama told the press pool, "What this crisis needs is a straight shooter. And nobody shoots like the Czar of Homeland Justice." He went on to say "I have deputized the Czar of Homeland Justice to do - and let me be clear, I mean DO - whatever it takes to clean up the mess in the Gulf."

Mr. Cheney then strode up to the podium like a colossus, and began speaking. He was characteristically brief and direct. He said his first order of business was to determine whose ass to kick, and that he had already checked that one off. Mr. Obama was looking at his shoes while Mr. Cheney made this point.

The Czar of Homeland Justice said he had already made four phone calls while Mr. Obama was sitting there.

The first was to Nobel Prize Winning physicist Steven F. Chu, instructing him to stay at home and watch the news on television.

The second was to his administrative assistant, instructing her to initiate the call tree to every head of state willing to send a skimmer ship to help.

The Czar of Homeland Justice then said his third phone call was to ‘whoever the hell is running the Army Corps of Engineers today, and I told her to get some damn shovels out there to build those damn berms Bobby has been screaming about.’

He also announced that one week from today, he will chair an open forum, at the New Orleans Hilton, where anyone with an innovative idea for picking up oil off the water or beaches can present their ideas. He said his fourth phone call was to BP CEO Tony Hayward clearing the agreement BP will expense all submitted travel and lodging expenses.

Effective immediately, any Gulf Coast resident claiming to have lost their means of living can enlist in the new Czar of Homeland Justice Gulf Clean Up Corps. Each enlistee will be compensated weekly at the equivalent salary rate of a GS-15 salaried federal employee. Each of these enlistments will be matched by an indefinite furlough of a Washington-based GS-15 for as long as the cleanup takes – making the program deficit neutral.

Mr. Cheney looked over at Mr. Obama, both men nodded, and Mr. Obama went over to hold the door open for Mr. Cheney, and the press pool was left murmuring to itself.

Jack Wiley Dithers reporting.