(AP) – Jack Wiley Dithers reporting.
Really – this comes right out of the You Can’t Make This Stuff Up Department.
Before this news broke, our crack investigative journalism team was working on a report to explain what was taking so long with the FY 2011 budget process. We’ve decided to just dump our findings into the public domain for the historical record.
When asked about the budget by our reporters, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) said “I can’t write the bill until it passes and I can see what’s in it.”
A House coalition lead by Rep. Henry Waxman (D-CA) and Rep. Edwin Markey (D-MA) was working on an amendment to classify Carbon Dioxide as taxable income for plants, on the theory the new revenue would close the budget deficit.
A coalition of Senators led by Sen. Barbara Boxer (D-CA), John Kerry (D-MA), and Joseph Lieberman (I-CT) was working on an amendment to attach digital monitors to every citizen, in order to meter and tax carbon dioxide exhaled. Republicans have been torn between embracing the measure as a way to tell who the illegal aliens are, versus challenging the measure as double taxation in view of the House proposal.
Sen. Chris Dodd (D-CT) and Rep. Barney Frank (D-MA) were working on a measure to reduce the deficit by selling Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac to the government of Greece.
Our attempt to interview Sen. Mary Landrieu (D-LA) was a complete wash out because her phone was ringing off the hook. We couldn’t understand a word Rep. Louise Slaughter (D-NY) was saying either, because she was looking for her new teeth the whole time. Nor could we understand anything Sen. Robert Byrd (D-WV) said, due what appeared to be a pointed pillow case on his head. When we approached Rep. Alan Grayson (D-FL) his head spun around 360 degrees and he spoke in tonques.
Rep. Bart Stupak (D-MI) was busy cobbling together a coalition of representatives who were determined to demand an Executive Order stating the deficit doesn’t exist. Representatives Weiner (D-NY) and Kucinich (D-Ohio) were working on a proposal to combine the US and Canadian budgets because the overall math will look better.
Rep. Gerry Connolly (D-VA) was holding out for more funding for mosque construction in Northern Virginia. Sen. Al Franken (D-MN) was holding out for more funding to promote the development of bad comedians. Just before going to press we began to uncover ties between ACORN and a mysterious effort with some financial ties to George Soros, apparently aimed at identifying and cultivating bad comedians in the inner city. The connection to Senator Franken continues to be investigated.
The Congressional Hispanic Caucus wrote a letter to us stating they were waiting for a more comprehensive proposal. The Congressional Black Caucus wrote to us they were holding out for separate public bathrooms for TEA party members. Interestingly, this letter came on letter head using the name Congressional African-American Caucus. We may investigate this anomaly at some later date.
President Obama could not be reached for comment today. His staff said he was busy greasing himself up for tomorrow’s Greco-Roman wrestling match with Gen. Stanley McChrystal (D-voted for Obama and don’t forget it) on the South Lawn of the White House.
Jack Wiley Dithers reporting.