Jack Wiley Dithers Exclusive: More Obama Campaign Strategy Transcript

(AP) – Jack Wiley Dithers Reporting
“If You Can’t Scoop It, Make It Up.”

It looks like my DHS source has been holding out on me. According to him, he found several additional minutes of intercepted cell phone conversation picking up where my last post left off. According to his dubious story he discovered the additional stuff when he checked a jacket pocket before dropping it off at the dry cleaner. He changed the subject when I asked why it was necessary to bring the jacket to the dry cleaner.

Personally, I think he’s working me for two payoffs on one score. But it is good stuff, so I’m just keeping an eye on the bastard from here on out.



==

Instead, I took out my displeasure passively aggressively on a staff member. She’s due for her annual review, with the possibility of promotion from Crack Investigative Journalist 3rd Class to Crack Investigative Journalist 2nd Class. Right in the palm of my hand … ripe for abuse. I made her edit it down to identify individual speakers. Somebody should, and the rest of us are too lazy.

But the little bootlick took the editing task one step further – researching supporting links relating to the classic moral framework provided by the 7 Deadly Sins. The result is pretty good, actually, so I’ll go ahead and use it. But I’m afraid I’m going to have to fire her – people around here might get the idea good work automatically deserves reward.

==

Obama: Ummmm, let’s brainstorm.

Jarrett: Do we still have a fall guy at JP Morgan? Where’s Geithner? …

Plouffe: Last I saw him he was with Chu going over the Stimulus and Green Energy accounts ….

Axelrod: They better not take anything out of the Stimulus re-election account …

Obama: Come on, this is serious, people. My butt is on the line! (*pride)

Axelrod: Val is on to something. We can set up Jamie Dimon – he won’t need to know any of the details. We can have our inside guy – code name ‘Voldemort’ - blow up some of the riskier derivatives we have him holding at JP. Nothing too big – nothing like ’08, maybe a couple billion – just to give the anti-Wall Street narrative a boost. Jamie told me he’s ready to retire anyway. I think he’ll continue to be a team player if we ask him to take a dive.

Obama: Sounds good. Making a public example(*wrath) of Jamie should encourage the other Wall Street fat cats to pony up more campaign cash. Run with it … oh, and make sure Jamie’s golden parachute opens. OK, what else?

Dunn: I think we should step up the pressure on Limbaugh’s advertisers.

Obama: Good idea. That fat bastard drives me crazy. And make sure Sandra gets all the contraceptives she needs.(*lust) Now we’re rolling. What can we say on the economy?

{Long pause … papers shuffling, throats clearing}

Axelrod: Counting jobs saved and created by stimulus is Biden’s department. Let’s come back to the economy when he returns.

Obama: Alright. How about opposition research on Romney? And I’m non too happy with how the Doggie Wars and WedgieGate worked out, people. What else you got?

{Long pause … papers shuffling, throats clearing}

Plouffe: Why not launch ‘Operation Weird Mormon’? It’s all planned out.

Axelrod: I don’t like it. Opens the door to discussing Jeremiah Wright.

Plouffe: OK, how about ‘Operation Bain Sob Story’. Gingrich already blazed the trail.

Axelrod: I’m worried it might give Romney an opening to explain the capitalist concept of creative destruction to the masses.

{Laughter erupts – Plouffe is heard saying “Romney? Explain?” – hands pounding on table in rhythm with laughter}

Obama: OK, run with it hard. Make it a big ad buy in the battleground states. Oh look, it’s almost time for lunch. What’s coming in today, Val?

Jarrett: Pizza from St. Louis.(*gluttony)

Obama: The fly in stuff?

Jarrett: Yes, sir.

Obama: Yummy. Better be on time, though – I’ve got a 2 pm tee time.(*sloth). David, where are we after golf?

Axelrod: Fund raiser downtown(*greed) – nice little pander to the public teachers unions. We have them coming and going – we’re using their dues to write off the rubber chicken dinner and shake them down for more.

{ snickering all around}

Obama: So, it’ll be the usual ‘Race To the Top’ stump speech.

Axelrod: Yes, you just have to make them believe they’ll get more in other people’s money back for their donations. Should be a pretty good haul.

{Door opens}

Obama: Jay. Joe. Where have you guys been?

Biden: Carney swung me by his cubicle. Latest internal polls are a big ‘effin deal. We’re screwed.

Obama: Slow down, Joe. What you need is to get out on the trail and get to work. Get out there and do the class warfare stump speech.(*envy) You'll feel a lot better.



Soros: You guys do know you left the connection on, right?

(AP) – Jack Wiley Dithers Reporting
“If You Can’t Scoop It, Make It Up.”