My cracker-jack investigative journalism team has uncovered direct ties between the OccupyDC camp at McPherson Square and the White House. This connection is firmly established by our archive of intercepted Instant Message (IM) packets, all sent and received from the same Toshiba Satellite Pro laptop. This laptop has been using the open, public, wi-fi connection provided by a Starbucks two blocks north of McPherson Square ever since the occupiers arrived in town. The IM exchanges are between an account inside the Starbucks using the handle @FreeAbbieHoffman, and a co-conspirator using the handle @OFA. Our elite IT staff has analyzed the IP addresses in these packets, have done their geo-location computations, and have established with 99.98% certainty the @OFA packets originate from inside 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue in Washington, DC.
The promising young intern I hired last year for her unique qualifications has connected the Starbucks laptop to a hobo. This hobo somehow manages to walk around all day with very expensive digital devices and film equipment, and also somehow affords the freight to sleep every evening in the Residence Inn directly across from the targeted Starbucks network. We have observed him expertly agitating the mob most evenings during so-called General Assembly (GA). This is our best surveillance photo to date.
I think you'll find the IM exchanges quite eye-popping. I know I did as I observed the perky intern doing her desk work to assemble them into this report.
==
10/1/2011 3:30 pm
@FreeAbbieHoffman: Checked in with Residence Inn. Awaiting instructions.
10/1/2011 3:33 pm
@OFA: Plouffe taking nap. Check back tomorrow.
10/3/2011 4:00 pm
@OFA: Introduce yourself to the mob at GA tonight. You will be an unemployed auto worker who lost his job due to Governor Scott Walker's illegal union busting activities. Begin gaining the mob's trust as an expert in Marxist economics. Talk to the mob a lot about how Teddy Roosevelt was a progressive. Plouffe is working up a speech for the One channeling TR.
10/6/2011 11:12 am
@FreeAbbieHoffman: 3 new CPUSA registrations since last night. Reading up on the Rough Riders and Spanish-American War to learn about TR.
10/6/2011 11:32 am
@OFA: Nice start on the registration drive. Re: TR, read something about his policy disagreements with Taft instead.
10/7/2011 1:42 pm
@FreeAbbieHoffman: 8 more CPUSA registrations. Total now 11. Met promising young activist from West Virginia. He's been a very effective voice at GA.
10/7/2011 1:53 pm
@OFA: Excellent. Plouffe is cooking up something big for tomorrow. Stay sober.
10/8/2011 10:44 am
@OFA: The mob will ransack the NASA museum today. Capture everything on film.
10/8/2011 11:08 am
@FreeAbbieHoffman: WV guy riling mob with chant - Space Travel For the 99% Now! Told you he had promise.
10/8/2011 2:28 pm
@FreeAbbieHoffman: Mob on the march.
10/8/2011 3:03 pm
@FreeAbbieHoffman: Museum doors breeched!
10/8/2011 3:14 pm
@FreeAbbieHoffman: Pepper spray! Kent State moment!
10/8/2011 3:26 pm
@FreeAbbieHoffman: Mob retreating back to base camp.
10/8/2011 8:57 pm
@OFA: What do you know about the American Spectator reporter?
10/8/2011 8:59 pm
@FreeAbbieHoffman: Huh?
10/8/2011 9:01 pm
@OFA: Never mind. Get your Anonymous people on the case.
10/8/2011 9:49 pm
@FreeAbbieHoffman: Anonymous on the case. Spectator post should be wiped by tomorrow.
10/20/2011 11:02 am
@OFA: Flash mob at Union station tonight - Walmart CEO at fund raiser.
10/20/2011 1:04 pm
@FreeAbbirHoffman: WV guy came up with another great chant. We're Here! We're Smart! We Fart on Walmart! Recommend for early promotion to Organizer.
10/29/2011 12:14 pm
@FreeAbbieHoffman: Exciting news! Some black kids have joined camp!
10/29/2011 12:33 pm
@OFA: Jarrett sent them down from Howard U. Brush up on your black liberation theology for GA.
11/1/2011 2:02 pm
@FreeAbbieHoffman: Some guy wearing dark glasses and smoking a cigar keeps coming into camp and talking to occupiers. Talks to WV guy a lot. The chants coming from WV guy much weaker lately. Withdraw promotion recommendation. Cigar guy has Lolita spooked 'cos he keeps asking about the welfare of her kids.
11/1/2011 2:04 pm
@OFA: Ignore him. Plouffe is on the case.
11/4/2011 11:11 am
@OFA: The mob terrorizes the AFP summit at Convention Center tonight.
11/4/2011 11:13 am
@FreeAbbieHoffman: There's cigar guy again. Who IS he?
11/4/2011 11:15 am
@OFA: Get a hold of yourself.
11/5/2011 1:13 pm
@FreeAbbieHoffman: Cigar guy knows WV guy pushed that old woman down the stairs. How is that even possible? WV guy spooked - thinking about leaving camp.
11/5/2011 1:16 PM
@OFA: Forget cigar guy. WV guy no matter. Convince Lolita to go home and lay low for awhile. Wash Times posted video of her using her kids as a barricade. It's linked all over the Internet.
11/17/2011 10:43 am
@OFA: The mob blocks the key bridge at rush hour today.
11/17/2011 10:51 am
@FreeAbbieHoffman: R U sure? That might piss a lot of people off.
11/17/2011 10:56 am
@OFA: Just do it. Plouffe says so.
11/20/2011 11:34 am
@FreeAbbieHoffman: Cigar Guy walked right up to me and asked about the Franklin School arrests. U GOT TO DO SOMETHING!
11/20/2011 11:36 am
@OFA: Are you back on crystal meth?
11/22/2011 2:33 pm
@FreeAbbieHoffman: OWS marchers arrived. Send Kosher food.
11/22/2011 2:36 pm
@OFA: ACORN on it.
12/4/2011 3:38 pm
@OFA: Baltimore friend will deliver lumber tonight. Organize mob to build shed from delivery.
12/4/2011 6:48 pm
@FreeAbbieHoffman: Lumber arrived from Baltimore friend.
12/4/2011 8:08 pm
@FreeAbbieHoffman: Finished explaining to occupiers what a hammer does. Cops looking agitated.
12/4/2011 10:06 pm
@FreeAbbieHoffman: Cops moving in! Kent State! Kent State! Kent State!
12/4/2011 10:16 pm
@FreeAbbieHoffman: WV guy resisting from shed roof. Pissing on cops. Reinstate promotion recommendation.
12/5/2011 9:08 am
@FreeAbbieHoffman: WTF happenend to the shed?
12/5/2011 9:09 am
@OFA: Never mind.
12/6/2011 10:04 am
@OFA: The One gives TR speech today. How did TR brainwashing go with the mob.
12/6/2011 10:07 am
@FreeAbbieHoffman: T Who?
12/7/2011 10:43 am
@OFA: The mob blocks the K street at rush hour today.
12/7/2011 10:51 am
@FreeAbbieHoffman: R U sure? That might piss a lot of people off.
12/7/2011 10:56 am
@OFA: Just do it. Plouffe says so.
12/8/2011 11:16 am
@FreeAbbieHoffman: Cigar guy commenting on our site. DO SOMETHING!
12/8/2011 12:02 pm
@OFA: We have his real name and address. Organize a march on his house for this evening.
12/8/2011 2:04 pm
@FreeAbbieHoffman: March on cigar guy's house a no go. Too far to walk and nobody in camp has a valid drivers license.
12/8/2011 2:06 pm
@OFA: No matter - we decided to cancel because he has a blog.
1/16/2011 10:41 am
@FreeAbbieHoffman: Cigar guy in camp almost every day now. This is really pissing me off.
1/16/2011 10:42 am
@OFA: We told you he has a blog. Nothing can be done.
(AP) - Jack Wiley Dithers Reporting.
