On August 10, witnesses saw a burly man wearing a purple “SEIU” tee shirt wander out of AFL-CIO headquarters and into traffic on 16th Street, NW. Just before he was struck by a Smart Car traveling at a high rate of speed, his head exploded. The Smart Car was totaled. The driver escaped with only a few broken bones.
An attractive young lady strolling through the Botanical Gardens on August 12 caused quite a stir amongst the nearby tourists, when her head exploded all over one of the glass walls. This young lady has been identified as a lobbyist for the Planned Parenthood organization. She had just left a meeting at Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) headquarters.
An unidentified headless body, wearing a hand tailored Brooks Brothers suit with a “Sí, se puede” button on the left lapel, was found on G street, near 18th street, just a couple of blocks from the White House, early in the morning hours of Sunday, August 14.
During the evening commute of August 15 there was a multi-car pile-up on Southbound I-95 just outside the city in Lorton, VA. One of our investigators has learned the lead car in this pile-up was a Prius with an Obama 2012 sticker on its bumper, and the driver was found to be headless.
Late in the evening of August 18, the headless body of a young female professional was found at S. Capitol Street and L Street, SW. Police initially assumed they were dealing with a flash mob assault incident (Navy Yard neighborhood, ‘nuff said). The investigation remains open with no real leads except an unused Washington Nationals ticket for that evening’s game and a Democrat National Committee (DNC) identification badge found in the young lady’s purse.
The downtown lunch hour on August 22 was punctuated by the explosion of a head belonging to a man wearing an off-the rack Macy’s suit, while he was in a coffee shop on 15th and M streets, NW. Patrons were forced to pick up their laptops and trudge to one of the six other coffee shops with wi-fi service on an adjacent block. The man whose head exploded has since been identified as a blog editor on the Washington Post payroll.
The evening commute of August 24 was marred by the exploding head of a high level State Department official assigned to Hillary Clinton’s staff. He was making his way up the broken escalator at the Metro Red Line’s Tenleytown station.
On August 26, a man later identified as a staffer for Senator Schumer (D-NY) shocked witnesses by wandering into the Reflecting Pool at high noon, just before his head exploded. The pool had to be drained and scrubbed afterward.
At approximately 10 am on August 30, a man created a Hazmat emergency when his head exploded all over the pastries in the Au-Bon-Pain store located on the corner of Vermont Avenue and L Street, NW. This man has been identified as an Obama political appointee assigned to DHS in a nearby building.
I sensed there was a pattern connecting these supposedly unrelated incidents, but couldn’t quite put my finger on the common thread connecting them. So last evening I paid a visit to the most learned man I know in order to discuss this matter.
I explored this matter with my host – Francis Charles Hamilton, Doctor of Pontification. During the course of the erudite conversation we enjoyed my host’s dry gin and tonic water – sometimes even mixed together in the same tumbler.
I had come to the right place. Dr. Hamilton has had prior experience with the common cause of these incidents. He identified the malady as Sudden Onset Cognitive Dissonance Syndrome (SOCDS). SOCDS strikes committed political ideologues when real world events rapidly contradict all of the assumptions and conclusions of their ideology. Most susceptible to SOCDS are ideologues that have constructed their entire identity around, and poured all of their hopes into, the ideology. When the ideology collapses, the victim has nothing left to anchor them to reality. Dr. Hamilton was renting a Moscow apartment during the period 1988 – 1990, strictly for classified business, and was therefore privileged to be a witness to the last recorded widespread outbreak of SOCDS.
When stricken by SOCDS, the victim quickly spirals into a trap of the victim’s own lifelong making. The victim attempts to rationalize the onrushing wave of real world events contradicting the ideology using only the rigid assumptions, conclusions, and memes provided to them by their ideology. The maze of contradictions thereby produced within the brain that has been wired by a life exclusively devoted to the ideology generates something akin to the venerable Hollywood device of a computerized robot melting down on a logical fallacy. Such as in this Star Trek episode or this South Park clip.
In the spirit of public service, our cracker-jack investigative journalism team has initiated a campaign to elevate the readiness posture for FEMA and several local emergency response agencies as we approach the 2012 election cycle.
Still breaking …
The mid morning peace of September 1 was disturbed by a young lady riding one of those ‘Wicked Witch of the West’ bicycles supplied by the DC Bikeshare program. While riding along Woodley Road, NW, the young lady’s head was launched onto the
Treasured works of art were forever lost on September 2, when a man identified as a staffer to the Council of Economic Advisors was strolling through the National Museum of Women in the Arts. He succumbed to the final stages of SOCDS while enjoying the artistic treasures assembled before him.
And the outbreak continues ...
Organic food lovers on Capitol Hill were sent into a panic this morning when