Jack Wiley Dithers Exclusive: Secret Oval Office Meeting Tapes

Our cracker-jack investigative journalism team has received audiotape from a highly placed Executive Branch source, documenting a meeting held in the Oval Office on April 9, 2011. Transcript follows.

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Obama: So, Joe, what do you think?

{sound of snoring}

Gates: Are you kidding me? Again? He really needs to see a doctor about this sleep apnea thing.

{Door opens}

Plouffe: Time for the special strategy meeting, Mr. President.

Obama: Joe, Bob, you need to leave now. This meeting is for me and David only.

{chairs sliding, papers shuffling, etc.}

Gates: See ya later, gators.

{door closing}

Plouffe: That was awful snarky of Gates.

Obama: Oh, he’s just a little ticked about being hung out to dry on the Libya thing. He’ll get over it. Let’s get the teleconference going.

{sounds of electronic stuff happening, Obama appears to be humming ‘Hail to the Chief’}

Plouffe: Whoa, that’s a lot of New World Order!

Soros: Plouffe, are you and Barry the only ones in the room?

Plouffe: Of course.

Soros: I had to ask – you guys have been screwing up a lot lately.

Ghadafi: Hey, Barry – now you see me, now you don’t! Now you see me! Now you don’t!

Soros: Shut up, tent boy. I told you you’d get your half of Libya. Not that Barry didn’t almost screw that one up, too.

Obama: But I was just doing ‘Responsibility to Protect’ …

Soros: It’s ‘Responsibility to Protect NWO’ dummy. Next time check with me first.

Achmedimejad: Yeah, check with him first.

Soros: Shut up, shorty. I told you you’d get your half of Libya.

Achemedimejad: I just don’t want the Community Organizer screwing it up again in Yemen, that’s all.

Jintao: Are we going to have this intervention, or not?

Soros: Comrade Hu is a little worried he won’t be paid back in full. And, frankly, I’m getting a little concerned myself. That 2012 budget you put out in February leaves Comrade Hu in a tough position – and frankly he’s a much better investment for me right now.

Obama: Budget, schmudget. That was just a “placeholder” to keep the American serfs fat, happy, and clueless. I need to get re-elected, you know.

Chavez: Did you even read that book I gave you? You should have declared martial law by now, estupido.

Soros: Woulda, coulda, shoulda – I don’t care. You got a problem, Barry – some guy named Paul Ryan has put out a budget that looks a lot better to me and Comrade Hu. The problem I’ve got is Ryan’s budget is probably going to wake up a lot of American serfs and I might end up with an American President who’s not NWO. Do you see the problem I’ve got?

Obama: Uhhhhhhh …… Donald Trump?

Soros: {Sigh}….Here’s what you have to do. You have to get into the 2012 budget game. Plouffe –

Plouffe: Yes, sir!

Soros: You will go onto Chris Wallace’s Sunday show –

Plouffe: {gasp!} That’s Fox!

Soros: It’s also the biggest audience. This is an emergency. You will announce a major Presidential speech coming up on the budget. Try not to insult the biggest audience in America while you’re making the announcement. Think you can handle that?

Plouffe: They’re too dumb to be insulted. Fox, I can’t believe it’s come to this.

Soros: Just do it. Barry –

Obama: Uh, huh?

Soros: my Belgrade team will write the speech and the “new” budget framework. Think you can get it together to deliver the speech by Wednesday? And I want it early afternoon, so nobody left with a job is watching.

Obama: Let me see, Wednesday afternoon….. I had golf at –

Soros: Change it. The next meeting is Monday evening to discuss tactics.

Chavez: Invite that Ryan guy to sit in the front row, and then have him arrested.

Soros: Save it for Monday.

Soros: Oh, Plouffe, have you figured out who that LibertyAtStake guy is yet?

Plouffe: Not really, but my trolls are sending phishing emails every day.

Soros: Yeah, that’s been working real good, hasn’t it? Call my Las Vegas team. They’ve been noticing some chatter among some of the more uptight stuffed shirts in the right wing blogosphere, critical of his commenting practices. Your trolls might be able to stoke some of that up.

Plouffe: Will do.

Soros: This meeting’s over.

Plouffe: Wow, I’ve never seen the boss so ticked off.

Obama: Yeah, I know. See if you can get me on his schedule for a round of golf.

{knock on the door}

Obama: Come in!

Gates: Sorry to interrupt, guys, I got half way back to the Pentagon and I realized I left that briefcase over there behind.