Our source at the Department of Justice has leaked Attorney General Eric Holder’s very first official inter-office memorandum to one of our cracker-jack investigative journalists. This particular confidential source usually feeds us a raging storm of crap, but this memorandum’s content interested us because it seems to have foreshadowed Mr. Holder’s recent testimony on Capitol Hill.
Read the full memorandum and let us know if we should fire our source at Justice for not leaking this to us sooner.
FOR INTERNAL DISTRIBUTION ONLY
To: All Department Staff
From: The Honorable Eric H. Holder
Date: January 21, 2009
Subject: Department Priorities Under My Management
Now that one of my people has been inaugurated as President of the United States, and he has appointed one of his people as Attorney General of the United States, this department’s priorities will be different than you people may have been used to under previous administrations.
As we move through the next eight years of our peoples’ glorious reign fundamentally transforming America, the day-to-day priorities for you people should be guided by one simple rule: what is good for Eric’s people.
For example, it has come to my attention the Civil Rights Division is about to convict a couple of my people for bravely defending a Philadelphia polling place from voters that weren’t their people. You people are hereby ordered to end this illegal witch hunt.
In case you think my people are limited to African-Americans, let me ask you one question: why did I start this memo referring to the President as one of my people? Don’t you know that Oreo has a white mother? Let me close the memo with some hypothetical guidelines to further elaborate.
If, for example, the people of any state on the Mexican border should take measures to protect themselves from illegal Democrat voters, the Department will immediately sue those people on behalf of our people.
If our people in the Homosexual lobby should file suit against the Defense of Marriage Act, the Department will not defend this unconstitutional law. (I just want to make clear for the record I’m not really one of those people, just that there’s not anything wrong with that.)
If an off-shore oil rig should mysteriously blow up, this Department will do everything in its power to cooperate with lawyers in the Department of Interior to ensure those people in the oil industry have to stop drilling everywhere our people have jurisdiction.
Now, I realize some of you people who are career lawyers in this Department may have a problem with these guidelines. Anticipating this issue, I’ve already cleared with our people in your union permission to allow you people to play Solitaire and view pornography on your government PCs. Our people don’t need your help.
If there are any questions about this policy, just ask any of my people I’ve appointed as a Department Undersecretary.
Eric H. Holder
Attorney General of the United States