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Saturday, August 7, 2010

Rules For Extreme Golf

(AP) – Jack Wiley Dithers reporting.

While looking for his ball in the woods on a local public golf course, one member of our cracker-jack investigative journalism team found instead a dog-eared spiral notebook with this unusual custom graphic on the cover:

Several days of expert analysis has lead us to the conclusion this notebook was the first draft of a rule book for a new game called “Extreme Golf.”

Here are some of the more telling excerpts, presented in italics.

These rules shall be considered an extension of the official rules of golf.

All golfers not playing their ball may at any time assume the role of “Defender.”

Defenders must clearly announce the intention to assume the role of Defender each time by stating loudly and plainly “DEFENDER!”

The permissible actions for defenders will depend on the lie of the ball being played.

If the ball is on the tee, or in the fairway, general ‘Extreme Golf’ rules apply:

Defenders may do anything EXCEPT (1) make physical contact with the golfer playing his ball, or (2) make physical contact with the equipment of the golfer playing his ball, not to include the ball itself after it is struck, or (3) damage the course layout in any way.

If the ball is on the green, the general rules apply, with the additional restriction declared defenders must also take off their shoes.

If the ball is in the rough, in a hazard, or in any other position; the general rules apply, with the additional restriction declared defenders must also remain silent.

Scoring shall always be in accordance with “match play” rules.

The penalties for rule infractions by defenders shall be severe. (1) Damaging the course shall result in immediate expulsion from the round and forfeiture of the match. (2) Contact with the golfer playing his ball, the equipment of the golfer playing his ball (excepting the ball itself after being struck), shall result in immediate elimination from contention for the hole being played. (3) Failure to remove the shoes while defending on the green shall result in the requirement to play the entire next hole with only putter and driver (or the largest club in the bag if no driver is available). (4) Failure to remain silent while a ball is being played from the rough, a hazard, or any other position, shall result in the requirement for the defender to play his next shot (no exceptions) with putter.


Our staff of Nobel Prize winning Analyzers has provided the following intriguing insights.

The skill sets that apply to blocking punts in American football will be important in Extreme Golf, though probably more widely used to defend chip shots than drives off the tee. Blocking drives off the tee may become known as the ‘Hail Mary’ in Extreme Golf parlance.

The general rules provide for some interesting risk/reward tradeoffs for golfers playing their ball. Many may opt to intentionally hit into trouble, so as to earn the right of peace and quiet for the next shot. A long tee shot into the first cut of rough may come to be accepted as the smartest shot in Extreme Golf.

Adoption of Extreme Golf rules could prove to be a jobs program boon for course management companies. Our Analyzers believe the ratio of course marshals to golfers will need to be dramatically increased. Disputes over the lie of the ball will need to be arbitrated more often. The incidence of fist fights on golf courses is also expected to rise. It may become commonplace for course marshals to carry side arms. This could have a secondary stimulative effect on the guns industry.

The Return on Investment (ROI) for golf course management companies should increase as well. At least 17% of all rounds is expected to degenerate into acrimonious chaos, and not be finished, at or before the turn.

The most effective green defense will probably involve silly antics on the line of sight (but of course, not the line of putt per regular rules of golf), similar to those given to us by this innovative pioneer.

This guy seems to have the skill set needed to succeed wildly with the new rules.

We will update our loyal readers as our investigation continues.

Jack Wiley Dithers reporting.
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