DRAFT OBAMA STATE OF THE UNION (Almost Teleprompter Ready)

My fellow Americans, before I get started I want to give a “Shout Out” to Rush Limbaugh. Hey, Rush, how’s the old ticker? Man, were you ever right – my first year has been one big fail, hasn’t it?


That’s why the theme of my speech tonight is PIVOT- President Is Veering Off Track - PIVOT.  Now let me be clear…………………this means I want you to believe everything I say tonight and forget everything else I’ve ever said before. Got it?

First…………………I come here tonight able to tell the American people I have successfully delivered on the first promise I made as President. George Soros just texted me on my Blackberry to say he will buy Guantanamo Bay from the United States. See, we don’t own it anymore! Not our base, not our image problem.  See.  Problem solved.

Second…………………Janet Napolitano is out of a job. Man, I just don’t know what planet Janet is from. She can’t identify the enemy, never got the job description, and really – who cuts her hair, anyway? That’s why I’ll be appointing as Secretary of Homeland Security the man who showed in 2009 he’s the best man for the job – Dick Cheney.

And that Eric Holder guy gave me nothing but terrible advice all year. He’s fired, too. That’s why I’ll be appointing as your next Attorney General - Dick Cheney. Hey, I guess that makes Dick Cheney the Czar of Homeland Justice. Anybody who shoots like Mr. Cheney can be a Czar in my book anytime.

And speaking of Czars – they all need to have their desks cleaned out by the end of the week – except for Dick Cheney, of course. I never knew what the hell a Czar was supposed to be, anyway. Special memo to Kevin Jennings – do us all a favor and don’t let anyone see what you pull out of that desk of yours.

As for foreign policy…………………I apologize to the American people for the Apology Tour. I extended my open hand to the world….and now look at me, running my cabinet meetings looking like Captain Hook.

I have directed new Czar of Homeland Justice Cheney to start speaking truth to power. “Man Made Disaster” will be “Terrorism” in 2010. “Overseas Contingency Operation” will be “War on Terror” in 2010. Our message to Radical Islam is simple: stop blowing stuff up or we’ll make you sit through a Bill Ayers lecture. Now that’s torture. New Czar of Homeland Justice Cheney will hold his first news conference tomorrow to fill in the details.

Now…………….. to Iran. Well, to be honest - no good options here. I already gave away the missile shield, and all I got for my trouble was this stupid hook hand. I’ve invited Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu to the White House so he can give me a clue on this one. New Czar of Homeland Justice Cheney will be in the meeting, of course.

There are going to be some changes at the State Department, too. No, no – Secretary Clinton keeps her job. Almost got you there, didn’t I, Hillary? Don’t get yourself all up in a tizzy girl - you can just keep the pictures sealed. No, I'm saying I have told the State Department there will be no more trips to Copenhagen during the remainder of my Presidency. The Office of Management and Budget has calculated this single decision will save the American taxpayer a million bazillion dollars between 2010 and 2013.

Now, to my transformational domestic program……….………my unprecedented universal health care initiative WILL GET DONE in 2010. [This space to be filled in the day of the address, depending on the latest news of the day].

My administration’s relentless pursuit of energy independence will be turned over to new Czar of Homeland Justice Cheney. We already have two focus-group tested slogans ready to roll out. Rahm Emanuel thinks the slogans are good, and he is really smart.
Ready, everybody, say it with me!
“Drill, Baby, Drill!” “Drill, Baby, Drill!”
“Fire Up the Nukes!” “Fire Up the Nukes!”

Quick “shout out” to Al Gore – Sorry, buddy, Cap and Trade is dead. Give David Axelrod a call; he started a short sale operation for green stocks last fall. He’s making a killing for his clients because he is really smart.

My administration’s domestic policy in 2010 will be dominated by this simple five letter word: J, O, B, S; “JOBS.” Vice President Biden will continue to be my point man counting the jobs. Nobody messes with Joe, you know. I have also directed the Vice President to co-chair a task force with Secretary of the Treasury Geithner. The mission of the task force will be to draft legislation for deep across-the-board tax cuts for anyone making more than two dollars. New Czar of Homeland Justice Cheney will attend every meeting.

Good night and good luck.