The LAS Empty Chair Interview (Script)

*Warning: Appreciation of these jokes without supporting links depends on whether you were paying attention the past four years. If you do not meet this stipulation, too bad. I’m in no mood to hold your hand and sit you in front of your Google machine. I'm confident you can do that for yourself. You can do it!

LAS: [Extending hand toward chair] Hello, Mr. President.

LAS: Come on, don’t be like that. I’ve extended my open hand so you can unclench your fist.

LAS: That’s better. So, what kind of music do you like?

LAS: OK, I’ll ask the Queen of England. What do you think of that new blockbuster hit ‘2016’?

LAS: No, it’s not about a ‘really bad two term President’. Whatever did you mean by ‘fundamental transformation’ anyway?

LAS: ‘Greek exceptionalism’? Ummmm .... Let’s turn our attention to Congress, OK?

LAS: No, you don’t pronounce his name like it’s spelled. It’s pronounced ‘BAY-NER’.

LAS: Yes, no worries, Harry Reid still thinks you are articulate and without a Negro dialect.

LAS: I agree. I agree. Things are different than 2008. Why, I heard even the “Obama Girl” came out against you.

LAS: Well, yes, there is the “Obama Boy” this year. That’s true.

LAS: And, yes, he does look a little like Reggie Love. I’ll grant you that.

LAS: No, I don’t think saying ‘Fast and Furious’ was Reggie Love’s code name will make it go away.

LAS: No, people will probably still notice the economy sucks if you say 'Stimulus' was his code name.

LAS: Sorry, Chief Justice Roberts said it was a tax. That makes it official.

LAS: No it's your bill that takes 700 Billion bucks out of Medicare right away.

LAS: No, ten plus six doesn’t equal 'cutting in half.'

LAS: Sure, fair is fair, I guess. Anybody who made millions from two autobiographies full of "composites" should be asked to pay a bigger share.

LAS: If she’s 1/32nd Cherokee, then I’m a registered Democrat.

LAS: What? No! I think you can see I’m not dead. And here’s my ID, too.

LAS: Really, you should run for UN Secretary General next. Just think of the possibilities. You can be open and honest about your father’s dreams. And you have all the efficiencies and competencies of the UN at your finger tips to implement them.

LAS: You are welcome.