Jack Wiley Dithers Has Last Minute Debate Advice For Joe Biden

(AP) – Jack Wiley Dithers Reporting
“If You Can’t Scoop It, Make It Up.”

Mr. Vice President:

You still owe me $500 from poker night, so I want you to keep your J-O-B. You have a big Debate Club event tonight, and I want to help you win it. My advice might be a day late and a dollar short, but that's only because I'm a well-known procrastinator. On the plus side, since you are a well-known plagiarizer, I've given you precious little time to steal my writing. So, here goes.

Avoid foreign policy as a topic. You have nothing to win, and everything to lose here. Somehow, you have been built up as some kind of foreign policy genius despite being dead wrong about every major foreign policy issue since 1980. Worse, your administration's foreign policy in the Middle East is unraveling right before our very eyes. No good will accrue for you, after being built up as an expert, from getting thrashed by an opponent with no foreign policy experience. Stay away from this topic like it's the plaque. If asked a foreign policy question, change the subject to something totally different, perhaps by asking moderator Martha Raddatz what she thought of Adam Sandler's movie "The Wedding Singer."

Avoid the economy as a topic. The economy sucks under your administration. Under no circumstances are you to use the word 'budget.' It gives your opponent an opening to point out your administration hasn't passed one through either congressional chamber for three years. It gives your opponent an opening to market his video about his budget, the only budget proposal to pass either congressional chamber in three years. No good will accrue for you from getting thrashed by a real expert on the topic. If asked about the economy, change the subject to something totally different, like maybe all those cool web master skills you picked up when you were in charge of counting jobs saved and created on recovery.gov.

Focus like a laser beam on your opponent's top weakness. The guy looks like Eddie Munster and everybody knows it. Be merciless. Give him the Biden treatment without hesitation. He knows he looks like Eddie Munster, too. This line of attack will unnerve him. After you see him rattled, go for the knockout punch by pointing out his running mate looks like Herman Munster.

The deal will be closed with Independent voters. Nobody wants a monster that was made, not born, to be President. And nobody wants a boy werewolf to be a heartbeat away.

Good luck and I'm looking forward to you sending me that poker money. My beer kitty is running low.

(AP) – Jack Wiley Dithers Reporting
“If You Can’t Scoop It, Make It Up.”