Jack Wiley Dithers' Exclusive Interview With the Senate Majority Leader

(AP) – Jack Wiley Dithers Reporting
“If You Can’t Scoop It, Make It Up.”

I was ushered into the Majority Leader’s office by a grim faced character in a poorly fitted black suit who looked like a reject from the cast of ‘Pulp Fiction.’ As I crossed the threshold, the Majority Leader was peeking furtively through a small crack in his otherwise fully drawn curtains.

JWD: On stakeout duty, Senator?

Reid: Just keeping an eye out for Teabaggers, that’s all.

JWD: Anderson Cooper introduced that term into our politics.*

Reid: Really? Soros told me they put that on their web site themselves.

JWD: Soros?

Reid: Uhhhh, I mean ... Think Progress. Anyway, sit down. Would you like something to drink?

JWD: I’ll take water.

{Here Reid silently made a movement to manipulate something under his desk.}

Reid: I called you here to share some secrets. You see, after I let the world know Mitt Romney owes ten years of taxes, I realized how liberating it can be to unload the burden of carrying secrets.

JWD: Go on.

Reid: Pro wrestling matches are fixed.*

JWD: I knew it! No way Hulk Hogan beats Sean Michaels in 2005 unless the fix is in.

{Here Mr. Pulp Fiction brings me a glass of water.}

Reid: Also, did you know fully two thirds of all American service fatalities in Afghanistan have occurred on Obama’s watch.*

JWD: Somebody alert Code Pink!

Reid: Did you also know 80% of Nevada is federally owned land?* Why, the house I grew up in was built on a old U-2 prototype crash site. The backyard backed up to a nuclear blast test site. The neighborhood kids used to play on a baseball field that had Area 51 as the home run line. Why, I once had to kick an alien in the groin – at least that’s what I think it was – to retrieve an overthrown frisbee.

JWD: I see. This explains a lot.

Reid: And since you brought up Anderson Cooper ... did you know he’s gay?

JWD: Everybody knows, Senator, he just came out.*

Reid: Of what?

JWD: The closet. That’s why the Teabagger thing is so funny.

Reid: Funny? Why?

JWD: Oh never mind. What else do you want to lay on me?

{Here Reid leaned in close and lowered his voice}

Reid: Biden is the source for Obama's national security leaks. See? If he's caught no one will believe he could be the source. Brilliant.

JWD: Pure Genius. Senator, why hasn't the Senate passed a budget the past three years?*

{Here Reid gets a quizzical look on his face}

Reid: Because nobody made me?

JWD: Senator, the law says ....

{Here Reid laughs his ass off}

Reid: Law? Laaaaaaaaaw? Oh, boy, you are a hoot!

{Here Reid reached into a drawer and pulls out a napkin}

Reid: Wanna know what that is, boy?

JWD: A napkin?

Reid: The Obama campaign strategy. Written in Axelrod's own hand. Go ahead read it - don't mind the dried up soy sauce.

JWD: Romney is rich. And a Mormon.

Reid: Less is more, boy. Everybody hates the rich guy. And those Mormons ... don't get me started.

JWD: Aren't you also Mormon, Senator?

Reid: Yeah*, but not that kind.

JWD: What kind?

{Here Reid's back straightens and he grimaces (well, more than usual, anyway).}

Reid: The Republican kind.

(AP) – Jack Wiley Dithers Reporting
“If You Can’t Scoop It, Make It Up.”

Footnote

Asterisk (*) denotes stuff that is actually true.

Update 8/8/12

How did I fail to asterisk no budget for three years at publishing time? Probably because that's the only thing a Senator absolutely has to do.