(AP) – Jack Wiley Dithers reporting.
When a transponder fell off of Marine One into the fairway of a public golf course, from which one member of our crack investigative journalism team was playing his sixth shot, we knew we had something special. We gave the critical task of decoding its secrets to one of our interns. When I saw him in the mailroom, re-enacting Al Pacino’s parking meter robbery scene from “Donnie Brasco” (Open Sesame!), I took over the job myself.
I detected four voices in a conversation, over the constant thwaka-thwaka background noise I have determined with my highly expert ears to be the sound of rotating helicopter blades. Using state of the art voice recognition software, I was able to identify two conclusively as White House political advisors David Plouffe and Valerie Jarrett. The third clearly had a Romanian accent, but other than Plouffe and Jarrett referring to him as ‘Vlad,’ his identity remains a mystery. The fourth apparently holds the rank of Major as well as a helicopter pilot’s license.
Major: Hey, that’s my house down there. How cool is that?
Vlad: Just maintain your prescribed flight pattern, Major.
Jarrett: Approaching LAS’ address.
Vlad: I like to start by learning something about the target’s immediate neighbors. What do you have on them?
Plouffe: Grey house across the street is owned by a class C troll on the payroll. He goes by the screen names ‘doncicciofitapaldi’ and ‘Joe Steel’ on the Daily Caller site.
Vlad: Any interaction with LAS we can leverage?
Plouffe: Nope – he’s even more reclusive and drinks even heavier than LAS.
Vlad: Who’s that guy walking the big white dog?
Jarrett: Navy Admiral. We actually have him on surveillance tape throwing his back out helping LAS’ neighbor move a couch through a second story window. Through a second story window! How stupid is that? It’s hilarious – we use the threat of posting it to Tosh.0 as leverage with the Major.
Major: I’m right here, you know.
Vlad: Can you use it as leverage with the Admiral?
Jarrett: We tried. He told our agent to take a long walk off a short pier.
Vlad: Who’s that guy on top of the white house? And what the hell is he doing?
Plouffe: It looks like – he is - he’s power washing his roof! Jeez.
Jarrett: Yep, that’s what he’s doing. We’ve noticed he’s quite the meticulous homeowner. Talks to LAS a lot, too.
Vlad: Anything we can use?
Plouffe: Apparently not. He’s completely taken in by the Alinksy play – he’s pissed off at everybody and everything. We’ve got his 2012 vote locked in, but there’s no talking to him about anything political. Win some, lose some.
Vlad: Who’s in those trucks that just pulled up to LAS’ house?
Jarrett: Oh, that’s his Mexican lawn crew.
Vlad: Are they all legal?
Plouffe: We decided against trying to find out. Even if they aren't, we wouldn’t use it. The agenda comes first.
Jarrett: There – LAS walking his dog.
Plouffe: Did he just – he did! He just gave us the finger!
Vlad: Mr. Soros will not be pleased with my initial report.
*This post is a work of satire. Any resemblances to LAS’ real neighbors are solely due to LAS’ lack of creativity.
While 'Vlad' and Barry's Abbott and Costello political team stalk LAS from the air, Barry leads the ground assault on Middle America.