Jack Wiley Dithers Exclusive: al-Qaeda Switching to ObamaPhones

(AP) - Jack Wiley Dithers Reporting
“If You Can’t Scoop It, Make It Up.”

My al-Qaeda mole recently contacted me via the double super secret encrypted (AP) communications channel we use. The conversation was a snap to transcribe. I just asked my PRISM mole to print it out for me.

al-Myass: You have to get me out of here.

JWD: Why? Is your cover blown?

al-Myass: No. The 5 wives are driving me nuts. 5 anniversaries, 5 birthdays, 5 mother in laws! Every time I turn around I'm under the gun. The worst is dinner time. Do you have any idea what it's like having 5 separate conversations about your day trying to pretend you like the cooking? I'm about to crack, man.

JWD: Try to hang in there.

al-Myass: And the meals are "halal." You know what that means? No alcohol. No alcohol! I can tell you how to get these people to stop thinking about blowing up buildings right now. Just tell them Mohammed invented beer and the world will become a paradise of peaceful coexistence over night.

JWD: Calm down. You must at least be getting some sex.

al-Myass: Meh. Screwing a potato sack with eyes gets real old real quick.

JWD: Geez, you are losing it. It'll be good for your cover. What have you got for me?

al-Myass: Now that the Obama administration has leaked sources and methods with that teleconference cover story, al-Qaeda is switching to ObamaPhones.

JWD: ObamaPhones? Aren't they traceable?

al-Myass: Maybe by PRISM, but certainly not by the Obama administration.

JWD: So, what's the big plan for escaping the PRISM net?

al-Myass: Jihadi leadership is meeting at a conference right now. In Taliban controlled Afghanistan. They are learning how to talk like inner city American drug dealers. Then they will have a specialized code for translating words and terms back to terror plots.

JWD: Aren't they worried about their English accents being a problem?

al-Myass: Not at all. They will have a dozen fake drug gangs in as many American cities set up in a couple of weeks. Should have DEA chasing its tail for years.

JWD: Clever devils! I'll get somebody on profiling ObamaPhone stores right away. Try not to murder somebody on assignment.

al-Myass: It ain't easy.

“If You Can’t Scoop It, Make It Up.”
(AP) - Jack Wiley Dithers Reporting

Update 1:15 pm

My contact in the Fairfax County PD reports MS-13 is facing stiff competition from a new Pakistani drug trafficking gang that seems to have sprung up out of nowhere.


Update 3:30 pm

LAPD Gang Units cleaning up two separate drive by shooting incidents. Crip leader and Blood leader shot dead 5 miles apart simultaneously. Eyewitness accounts say the unidentified third gang was wearing orange Gitmo style jump suits as colors.