JACK WILEY DITHERS EXCLUSIVE: SOTU ADDRESS 2011

(AP) – Jack Wiley Dithers reporting.


Our White House source was able to leave his shoe recorder behind in a high level planning meeting for the upcoming State of the Union address. The transcript we were able to recover for this exclusive report follows.

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Barack Obama: Let’s bring this meeting to order. Gibbsy, where are the speech writers?

Robert Gibbs: They all quit on the spot when I told them you wanted to keep the tone civil.

David Plouffe: No worries, Mr. Soros has assembled a new team in Belgrade and they are in flight right now.

Barack Obama: Good. Let’s give them a great outline to start on. Accomplishments … around the table … Janet?

Janet Napolitano: We closed the deal on a border fence contract.

David Axelrod: Better not mention that one since that video went viral – the one with the women climbing the fence in a few seconds …

Barack Obama: {sigh} Eric?

Eric Holder: Record number of federal lawsuits filed against the various states.

David Axelrod: I don’t know, doesn’t seem very popular ….

Barack Obama: Geez, I need something to bring to the dance, people! Hill?

Hillary Clinton: Maybe we should play up a strategic break through with China. That was quite a coup getting them to let us keep the pandas.

Barack Obama: Alright, now we’re getting somewhere. Take it down Gibbsy. Joe? Joe? Wake up, Joe!

Joe Biden: [Snort!] Three letter word! J!O!B!S!

Barack Obama: Awesome.

David Axelrod: I don’t know – unemployment is still a touchy –

Barack Obama: Nonsense! Nobody messes with Joe. Gibbsy, you got that one?

Robert Gibbs: Uh, yeah … pandas, jobs.

Barack Obama: OK, what have we got for the loyal base?

Holder: Updated timeline for closing Gitmo.

David Axelrod: Uhhhh, probably better not mention Gitmo at all.

Barack Obama: David’s right.

Hillary Clinton: Updated timeline for withdrawing from Afghanistan.

Barack Obama: No, let’s just keep that to ourselves.

Robert Gates: Repealing ‘Don’t Ask’ is popular with your base. {sigh}

Barack Obama: David, what do you think?

David Axelrod: The public hates it, Gates’ soldiers hate it, but I guess it’s all we got for the base for now …

Robert Gibbs: pandas, jobs, gays … ok, got it

Barack Obama: Tim, you’ve been quiet. What do you have to pitch.

Tim Geithner: My guys have been working on a plan to radically reform the tax code.

Barack Obama: ‘Turbo Tax Tim’ wants to reform the tax code? I can tell ya I didn’t expect that one!

{Room erupts in laughter}

Barack Obama: What’s the angle?

Tim Geithner: Simplification –

{Room erupts in laughter}

Tim Geithner: No, seriously – what better way to punish your enemies and reward your friends than rewriting the entire tax code?

Barack Obama: Hmmmm, not bad …

Robert Gibbs: Ok, pandas, jobs, gays, tax enemies … got it.

Barack Obama: OK, let’s switch over to tactics. How do we get John Boehner to cry?

{Room erupts in laughter}

Joe Biden: I get to sit up there right next to him, right?

David Axelrod: Yes. {sigh}

Joe Biden: Easy – I’ll fill my pockets with raw onions!

Barack Obama: Awesome! I keep tellin’ ya – nobody messes with Joe!

Michelle Obama: Let’s make everybody wear purple, it’s perfect for the phony baloney civility thing: red and blue makes purple, get it?

Barack Obama: Isn’t that what we did last year?

David Axelrod: Yes. {sigh}

Barack Obama: Yeah, now I remember. You looked like some kind of giant grape, baby. I thought I was in some kind weird ‘Fruit of the Loom’ nightmare.

{Room is silent, awkward pause}

Barack Obama: Sorry, baby. Movin’ on …

Valerie Jarrett: Michelle has the right general idea – we can play up the civility thing. Some Congressman suggested having the members sit in a mixed party configuration instead of the usual blocs.

Barack Obama: Can we actually tell Congressmen where to sit?

David Axelrod: No. {sigh}

Barack Obama: Too bad. Let’s just see what happens, then. Who do we have on the guest list for pandering purposes?

Unidentified voice: Why don’t you bring in Sheriff Dipstick, moron?

Barack Obama: Who said that?

Unidentified voice: This shoe recorder thing is bi-directional?

Barack Obama: Who said that?

Unidentified voice: Roh-Roh.

Jack Wiley Dithers reporting.